Holding On To Love
by dcmasters
Summary: The story is set shortly after Niamh's death. Letters written to and from Sheelagh and Des. AN: Sorry about the long wait, it was written but I've not had time to post it.
1. The Letter

Holding On To Love 

It has been two days since Niamh's death. Sheelagh is preparing for Niamh's funeral and wake. She goes out to check the mail and starts sifting through the bills and returns to the house. Then, she comes across an envelope addressed: '_For Sheelagh_'. Intrigued, Sheelagh opens the letter and, as she reads it, she begins to cry. The letter reads:

_Sheelagh,_

_You light up my world, _

_Like a candle burning brightly._

_You catch each tear that falls,_

_And you hear the whispers in my heart._

_There's no denying,_

_The way I feel about you._

_So much has gone wrong for us,_

_We've been through so much._

_Our beautiful daughter, Niamh,_

_Was so cruelly taken from us._

_In an instant,_

_She was gone._

_I'm sorry for everything I've put you through,_

_I never meant to hurt you like this._

_You deserve so much better,_

_I'm truly sorry._

_I ran because I was scared of what I'd done,_

_I knew I couldn't live with myself._

_I didn't want you to suffer,_

_Because of my mistakes._

_You're the world to me,_

_Without you I am nothing._

_You are the most amazing person,_

_I have ever met._

_From the moment we first spoke, properly,_

_The moment we first kissed,_

_You changed my life,_

_For the better._

_You made me learn to appreciate life,_

_And the challenges that come with it._

_But most of all,_

_You made me learn to be honest with those you love._

_Which is why I told you what I did,_

_Because I let myself trust you._

_You became my inspiration,_

_And if anyone should have died, it's me._

_I'm sorry to bring up these feelings,_

_I know it can't be easy for you._

_But I miss you so much,_

_That it makes me cry at night._

_I've tried to deny this love I feel for you,_

_But I just can't._

_I love you, Sheelagh,_

_And I always will._

_Say goodbye to our daughter for me,_

_I wish I could be there._

_I hope you understand,_

_Why I can't be at the funeral._

_I love you, Niamh,_

_My little angel._

_You had the sweetest smile,_

_The cutest little hands._

_I know I've said it before,_

_But I truly love you, Sheelagh._

_I'm sorry for everything,_

_Take care of yourself._

_Cry if you must,_

_But no regrets._

_This is just the way,_

_It has to be._

_I'll never forget you, Sheelagh,_

_What I wouldn't give to hold you just once more._

_To be able to feel secure in your arms,_

_To smell the scent of your hair._

_Whenever you need me,_

_Just hold your hand upon your heart._

_Know that I am there,_

_With you through everything._

_Goodbye my darling._

_Love,_

_Des_

Sheelagh held the letter close to her heart as she continued to cry. She, too, wanted that chance, just once more, to be with Des. To love him and hold him again. She asked herself why he had left the letter in the letterbox instead of seeing her and telling her all of this to her face, or at least giving it to her in person.

Sheelagh was puzzled by this, but then again this was Des! She contemplated telling someone about the letter, but she thought that if this was Des's way of saying goodbye to their daughter Niamh, of letting go, then she should respect that.

Sheelagh put the letter away in a draw for safekeeping. The draw in her bedside table, so that he would always be close to her.

Later that evening, after the funeral and wake, Sheelagh lay on the bed and began to write a letter in reply to the one that Des had written. She was going to put it in his letterbox at his address and see if anything came of it. She hoped that he would get her letter so that she could tell him how she really felt about him...


	2. The Reply

The next day, Des returned to his house to sort through his mail. He secretly hoped that there would be a letter from Sheelagh inside the letterbox. He continued sorting and came across a letter addressed 'Des'. He knew who it was from as he recognised Sheelagh's handwriting. He put the rest of the mail back into the box and took this letter away with him.

When he arrived at where he was staying, Des took the letter from his jacket pocket and stared at it for a while. He hoped Sheelagh wasn't mad at him for what he had written in his letter.

Eventually, Des decided to open the letter, and it read:

_Dear Des,_

_I went to the funeral today,_

_And I said goodbye for you._

_Her coffin was so small,_

_It was so fragile._

_I do understand,_

_Why you couldn't show._

_But don't worry,_

_I had support._

_I sang a song for our little girl,_

_Thinking it would make it easier for me._

_But it didn't because the pain's still there,_

_And will always be._

_I only talked once I thought you were dead,_

_And now I've made things worse._

_Maybe if I hadn't said anything,_

_You'd still be here with me._

_I am nothing without you,_

_I miss you so much._

_I want to hold you too,_

_And be with you forever._

_I'll never forget,_

_The times we shared._

_And the way,_

_You made me laugh._

_We had such fun,_

_And it was filled with so much innocence._

_Yet it wasn't,_

_It wasn't innocent at all._

_When I think of you, even now,_

_I still get that warm feeling._

_The same feeling I got,_

_When we met for the first time._

_You're the love of my life,_

_And I want to be with you._

_More than anything in the world,_

_I want to be with you._

_I miss you so much it hurts,_

_And I just want you back._

_I want you back, Des,_

_Because I need you in my life._

_I don't care what you've done anymore,_

_Because you've changed me._

_You've changed my life,_

_And I am lost without you near._

_When you're not here with me,_

_All my strength is gone._

_The only thing I have to hold onto,_

_Is the hope of seeing you again._

_I realise now that,_

_You're everything that matters to me._

_Can we start again,_

_And be free?_

_Free from all the pain,_

_From all the heartache._

_Free from all the things holding us back,_

_From everyone and everything._

_I can do anything with you,_

_But nothing without you._

_You make all my pain go away,_

_And make me feel safe._

_The world is full,_

_Of so much evil,_

_Yet when I am with you,_

_I forget about it._

_I'll hold on to the memories,_

_In case I don't see you again._

_And I just want you to know,_

_That I love you more than words could say._

_Look up to the sky at night,_

_And see the bright star twinkling._

_That's our little Niamh,_

_Watching over us forever._

_All my love,_

_Sheelagh_

Des didn't know what to say. He sat there, absorbing the words on the page that meant so much, but seemed so distance. Des could tell that Sheelagh meant every word in the letter. He felt all her pain and all her joy. It was from her heart and he owed it to her to reply.

All Des wanted was for Sheelagh to be happy, and if seeing him again would do that for her, then he had to find a way to see her. He really wanted to see her again, even if it was only briefly to apologise for everything he had put her through. Des knew that Sheelagh didn't deserve all the pain he had left behind for her and he had to make it up to her.

Later that evening, Des looked out his window and up at the sky. He looked for the brightest star in the sky and he found it. Sheelagh was also looking out her window at the star and the two of them smiled, because they could feel the connection between them and they knew Niamh was there.

Des moved away from the window and sat down at a small table. On the table were pieces of paper, which he began to write on. Des was writing a letter back to Sheelagh. If it was the last thing he ever did, he had to see her…


	3. Returning To Find A Letter

_Chapter 3:_

Sheelagh returned to the cemetery the next day and placed some flowers onto Niamh's grave. She saw a white envelope hiding behind a bunch of flowers. She picked up the envelope, which was addressed to her, and put it in her coat. Sheelagh moved over to seat near where near was buried and sat down to read it.

_Sheelagh,_

_I love you with all my heart,_

_There's nothing more to say,_

_My heart will always be open,_

_To you for eternity._

_When I think of you,_

_My heart still sinks,_

_And I fade away,_

_To thoughts of only you._

_Come back into my life,_

_Because I need your touch again,_

_I need the pain to go away,_

_And only you can fix that._

_I need to hold you,_

_To love again,_

_To be with someone,_

_Who truly understands me._

_We had something precious,_

_And we lost her,_

_But in all of this,_

_We still have each other._

_We still have the love,_

_The connection we've always felt,_

_The desire and longing for each other,_

_Since we first met._

_We can make this work,_

_We can make it right,_

_I miss you so much,_

_And I need you back in my life._

_If you do decide,_

_That we can still be,_

_Meet me at twelve tomorrow,_

_In our special place._

_I hope you will be there,_

_To show me how you care,_

_And teach me once more,_

_That our love cannot be torn._

_Love,_

Des 

Sheelagh pondered meeting him. She knew in her heart that she wanted to. She still loved him so much, but she didn't want to have to loose him again. Sheelagh needed time to heal from the pain of loosing her child, their child. She still blamed herself for not being there when it all happened, for not being the last person to hold her child.

Her heart was saying yes, but her head was saying no. All she wanted now was for things to be the way they used to be, for live to start over from when she first met Des. Maybe then things would have turned out different. Perhaps she would have left Patrick for him. After all, Des was the one who truly made her happy.

Sheelagh knew what she had to do. She knew that they just couldn't keep writing to each other all the time and hiding from each other. Sheelagh looked at her watch. The time read 11:30am. Sheelagh began walking back to her car. She unlocked the car and sat in the drivers seat with the engine off, staring ahead…


End file.
